On Leaving

—A period of transition.

Published: Tuesday, April 20 2021 20:47

Written by Administrator

In The Heat Of The Rush

It is in the heat of the rush when I feel the most defeated. It is the undercooked fish and the crunching sound of a ticket printer. It is the demands of the customers and the intricacies of the menu, and the coolers and pantry as they grow bare, and the chirping of the timer resonating off the stainless steel.

For many years, I had been able to handle all these stressors quite well. I could watch the business take it’s tole on the kitchen, but know that I would return to do it again the next day, let go, and find peace. But, things have changed.

Sometimes, I hear a peppy voice call out, “don’t worry, it will be over soon.” But, this voice fails to resonate with my frustration, or the reality of what it means to “be over”.

The reality is that, someday, it will be over. But, I fear that what is left behind will be failure. I wish my departure to be a success enjoyed in my absence. I would rather my leave to go unnoticed, like a discarded oil-filter, after an oil change; or outdated software libraries, after an OS upgrade. I want things to just start up the next day, and run just as well as they ever have.

The reality is that I have succeeded in a long term goal, and I wish to continue to grow. I am transforming my spirit into a creator of new tables; whether or not I can bestow old tables onto younger tenets.

The greatest feeling of defeat comes from the idea of leaving this world without an heir to continue it’s workings; that any success of my own would mean the defeat of a more fundamental hierarchy upon which I built my success.

Brave New World

After the end of the world, a new set of problems began to emerge from its ashes. The stimulus that kept the country’s economy from sinking to the bottom, has buoyed workers away from vacant jobs. Many are still fearful of returning to work, pending the eradication of a virus. This city has become a refuge for the wealthy and politically outcast; driving up the cost of living and tensions in the community. The divide is growing wider, and I’m stretching thin between the two sides.

My next job may very well be done remote. I could move to wherever I’d like, and do my job from satellite, in a bubble removed from the community from which it sucks life. How could the work I do benefit the community in which I choose to reside?

“Don’t worry, it will be over soon.” Yes, it will. Even when each step forward is two failures in the past, eventually the march will come to an end, and I will have no where to grow. Someday, it will all be over, and that’s why I will make this leap into something new.

But, I still search for someone to replace myself. Someone to step in when I leave.

Perhaps, my judgment has been clouded by arrogance, and my worries are unfounded. Maybe, I leave and the place grows beyond where I could ever take it. I won’t know until it happens.

So, I surrender to the roll of the dice. So, I take control of my life.

On Leaving by Administrator is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at jesse-riggs.com.